Overwhelming = Depression

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Overwhelming = Depression

I get depressed frequently, not only because of my own personal issues; it's also because of my friends' issues that overwhelm me. I'm not the type of person that can take overwhelming news or stress easily. I'll put on a happy face at school, but at home or when I'm alone, I feel this terrible pain that words can't really describe.

My first issue is with myself. I'm tired of being so fake to everyone. I'm sick of being expected of. People literally look at me and expect me to be "Pretty-Little-Smart-Asian Chick," and the perfect Christian, but the truth is, I'm not! The real me, the me that's isn't so smart, that doesn't want to be pretty, and questions her faith just wants to break free. I just find it so hard to live up to the Christian standards that everyone expects me to. I'll make mistakes, and I won't follow the Bible. I'm only human. But to everyone, it doesn't seem like it.

My other issue is really for my friends. One of my BEST FRIEND'S mother has breast cancer, and has been fighting it for about eight years now, but lately, she has been getting sicker and sicker. A week ago, this guy's dad died of cancer, and so reality slapped me pretty hard in the face. Yesterday, I learned not only does her mom have cancer; her dad does as well. It makes me so mad and sad because this family is the nicest ever! And the children (seven of them) really need their parents. Also, there is this girl who is also suffering from depression and is thinking of committing suicide. I feel so bad and stressed with these issues.

How do I cope with this stuff? I cut myself. The problem is I'm afraid of knives and anything small and pointy, so I find myself scraping away at my skin with the metal part of hairbands. I have scars on my arm, but I've moved to cutting my thighs so no one can see them. Also, I've taken to drinking. I usually just drink till I feel numb, but a few nights ago I drank till I was drunk. I was laughing like a maniac and was very cynical. I couldn't believe that the people who said they loved me couldn't even see. After consuming that much alcohol I felt terrible and guilty, and I wanted it out so I shoved my finger down my throat and threw up on my bed.

I feel so confused. I don't want to tell anyone about my problems because I'm afraid of being judged. I want people to know because I need to feel loved. It hurts so much, but the pain takes numbs away all the issues. What does a lost girl like me do? I feel so crappy because the people I love and say they love me like my best friends, family, and boyfriend don't even see what I'm going through. If they can't, can anyone at all?