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My Depression...
I am often very depressed and feel like no one understands the things that I go through all the time. I have been through a lot my whole life, like my real father raping me when I was two years old. We never talk; in fact, I haven't talked to him for about four years now. The older I get, the more depressed I get.
I always protected my mom from her boyfriends, and I was always the one to get pushed around or getting something rude said to me. All the things they said stuck in my head and would repeat over and over again just taunting me. I still think about bad things that have happened or been said to me, and I tend to get very upset but don't know how to explain when my boyfriend asks what's wrong.
I also have panic disorder and often have what you would call a "panic attack". That's when I slip right back into that depression stage. I don't feel like I can talk to people because I think that they won't understand how I'm feeling and laugh at me. My best friend thinks I'm the happiest person in the world and has no idea that I'm so depressed, which makes me feel like if I told her it would make her feel differnt about me. That's one of the things I fear would happen.
I love my family, my boyfriend, and my friends, but I fear they will not understand. I wish I had someone to talk to who will understand, but I just don't know what to do.
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