Do I Want It?

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Do I Want It?

When I was twelve, I developed an eating disorder - anorexia, to be exact. I was 5'2" and 90 pounds. I began limiting my food intake, until I finally cut everything out of my diet. I would eat nothing unless forced.

My friends joked about me being anorexic a lot, and I usually responded by telling them to shut up or threatening them if they were to continue. Finally, they realized what I was up to. (It wasn't that hard; I would eat nothing except for a little at dinner so my parents wouldn't find out.) They ended up telling the school guidance counselor, and I was sent to her later that day. I shrugged off her accusations by saying I was depressed and I had lost my appetite due to that. She weighed and measured me, then let me go.

After six months of the torture of anorexia nervosa, I was 5'3" and 80 pounds. I was forced to take a blood test to see whether or not I was anorexic, which I cheated by eating before it. The results came back that I was, in fact, not anorexic. I was off the hook and out of rehab.

My subconscious soon made me forget everything that year (the depression, the anorexia, the cutting, everything). I would look down at the scars on my arm and wonder where they had come from. I couldn't even fathom that they had been caused by me.

Two years later (present day, about six months ago) I read a memoir about a girl who was anorexic and was sent to rehab. This book was the trigger. Every memory flooded back, as well as the anorexic mindset. I'm now back under its spell.

It's been hell, these past few months. I've seen so many specialists (not for the anorexia, but for my deteriorating health). For a fourteen-year-old girl, I have some of the worst health problems I've seen. For one, I'm anorexic. I also may have arrhythmia, for which I have a heart monitor. I just had an MRI for the headaches I've had daily for over two years, and I am taking Elavil and B2 daily. I have "episodes" almost daily where my heart races, I can't breathe, my hands shake uncontrollably, and I almost faint each time.

Now, at 5'6" and 110 pounds, I can't bear having a BMI higher than 18, which I have. I want to be back to the BMIs of 17, back when I was thin. Back when I didn't hate yet love mirrors; although they curse me and show my horribly fat body, they help me to see the fact I need to lose weight. I eat as little as possible (which is extremely little, mind you) and my parents don't even notice. Four of my friends know about this, two of whom want to ship me off to rehab.

I want help, I truly do, because I can't bear to see my health to get any worse than it is. Yet, at the same time, I want to be anorexic, to have control over my weight and my life, and to lose weight. I also want nothing to do with rehab, but I need a better way to lose the weight without losing myself. My friends (that I've told) are worried and scared for me and have said that I've not been myself ever since I fell into anorexia again.

I just want to be myself again.

Average Grade: B

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	kerry		03-Mar-08

Uhm, excuse me "hopper" or whatever your username is (sorry, i usually can't read scrolling text without my glasses on), but that was extremely uncalled for. It's an addiction for me and although it is screwed up, I can't do all that much about it since I'm not completely against it. Anyway, why are you on the eating disorders page if you're going to be critical?

	tbopper		16-Nov-07

ur mental

	kerry		12-Jul-07

Oh, and in response to your first comment, I don't trust any adults, sadly enough. I can't talk to my parents about this sort of thing, and I am not able to talk to a therapist, because my parents "don't give them any credence" and I "don't have a problem" according to them.

	kerry		12-Jul-07

Well, I want to get better in the sense that it doesn't control me, and that my health problems stop. But I also want to be super thin. I hate my weight and how I look, and this is making me lose weight, and I want that.

	sara		12-Jul-07

well how you said you want to get better. find a way. you have to. get your life back, before it ruins you completely. do it for your parents, for your future.

	kerry		12-Jul-07

I think I'm around 105 or something? I'm not sure.

	sara		11-Jul-07

ok well what is your current weight now? p.s. check out my story its right under yours titled; "desperate habits"

	kerry		10-Jul-07

Oh, I also just got my results back from my MRI yesterday, and apparently I'm "normal" which is somewhat worse than having a huge problem. 'Cause this way, I don't know what's wrong with me, and I can't do anything to fix it except popping pills. Just a side note.

	sara		10-Jul-07

wow your situation is pretty scary. you should talk to an adult that you trust, and tell them your situation and how you want , but just not with rehab. i know you dont want to DIE. so you should definitely make an effort to change something before its too late.